Well...our day has come and gone. Our TPR (termination of parental rights) hearing was supposed to be last week. I have had that date on my calendar since November. I requested to be off that day from work back in November. However, the day came and went with no change in our situation. That is both good and frustrating. It is always good when you leave court and the kiddos are still in your care...but frustrating because terminating the biological parental rights is a HUGE step in the direction of adoption.
**Side Bar** Many people have begun asking me about foster care and adoption. Foster care should NEVER EVER EVER be seen as a way to adopt. Yes, there are times that it ends in adoption...but that road is long and hard and heart breaking at times. I think foster parents that are willing to adopt are ideal because then IF the children become in need of a permanent adoptive home, they don't have to move again. Foster care is usually a temporary thing. With that said...I do not support placing children with a family member based on DNA alone. But....that's another story for another day. **Side Bar concluded**
In our case, adoption is the best option for these kiddos. Now, it is proving that to the courts. Our TPR was re-scheduled because of missing paperwork on the part of DFCS. NOW THAT IS FRUSTRATING!! Again...focus on the positive...the kids are still with us....the kids are still with us. So, on the downhill slope of that disappointing news comes a rough week, both at work and with behaviors at home, and a week full of soccer games stealing our daddy away.
With all of this comes a natural feeling of defeat. 'I just can't anymore.' Where is my hole so I can just climb in and burry myself in self pity?? How easy it is to sink into that darkness and let the enemy's voice creep in and whisper his lies. I HATE that darkness...I HATE his voice...I HATE that feeling of defeat.
So last night, in deep prayer and thought, I realized the answer is so easy. What do you do when it is dark? YOU TURN ON THE LIGHT!!! Duh!! I don't have to sit in darkness, I don't have to listen to his voice or feel defeated. Because in the LIGHT...I am victorious and I WILL OVERCOME!
I am notorious for trying to short cut chores or try to get something down in one step rather than two. A few examples: I will always break my arms rather than taking multiple trips with the groceries. I also have HORRIFIC eye sight...I mean blind as blind can be without my glasses or contacts. In the mornings I will hold my phone mere centimeters from my face to read my morning devo instead of just putting my glasses on.
Why do we do things like that? (Assuming of course that some of you out there do it too.) Why do we watch something we don't want to watch instead of getting up to get the remote control? Why do we choose to snack on LOTS of snacks instead of preparing food? Why do we have to take that time to sulk in our self pity, in our own darkness, before we turn on the LIGHT?
For those of you who haven't caught on...the LIGHT is Jesus. We just celebrated the glorious death and resurrection of this Savior this past weekend. It is through HIM and HIM alone we can be complete and fill the void that overcomes us in the dark places of our lives.
I wish you all could meet my kids. Bio and foster, and four legged for that matter. I am blessed beyond measure to get to see God's handy work on a daily basis. I get to see lives changed through the love and power of the Holy Spirit. That makes those dark times worth it. To be reminded that it is not I, but Christ in me and through me that can and WILL make the difference.
No....I alone am not strong enough. I alone am not smart enough. I alone am not good enough. The task ahead of me...and ahead of all of us is far to great for human hands. But praise be to the Heavenly Father who can help us to conquer it all!!
So, once again, I look up from my dark place and see the Mighty Hand of my Savior reaching down saying, 'oh daughter of Mine...why do you insist on putting yourself there? Come, sit with Me. I already have a plan....I already know what will come. Just come sit with Me.' I decided this time, I am not crawling my way out (I had an earlier blog post about that). Nope. He is lifting me out and up into the light of a bright new day. A day full of promise and hope. And faith. Yes, faith that He will see me through.
Funny highlights from the mouths of babes that bring a smile to my face:
LS: wakes up crying last night...I go to check on her. Me - baby what do you need? Why are you crying? LS - "I need a hug from you!" and she throws her arms around me and squeezes tight. :)
LB: while playing 'family' in his room, yells downstairs "Mommy, I want you to meet my family...(comes plopping down the stairs...arms full of stuffed animals) Fluttershy is my wife, Sully and Mike are my sons, and Yoda is my foster son." I love that he has a foster son in his role playing...and that it is Yoda :)
BB: when asked what his favorite part of Easter was "My family. I love any time I can spend with my family."
Tater: "Mom, the dog ball accidentally went over the fence and into the trees. Can I hop over the fence and get it?" Me - "No honey, you cannot 'hop' over the 6 ft privacy fence to get the ball" The things you have to say 'no' to when your child is a gymnast and probably COULD 'hop' over the fence and be just fine.
See...I have no time for those dark places...there is to much brightness in my life. :)
