Time fies. I've never really agreed with that. I guess because patience IS NOT my strong suit, I am always looking for what is next and pushing through the moment. Well now, time is flying and I am trying my best to grab hold as my life is quickly spiraling past me. Partially spiraling in a nice and orderly slinky with a beginning and an end, and partially spiraling out of control in a mammoth twister.
Mother's Day was another example of how quickly everything is moving. I stood in church and can remember every single feeling and tear that I had a year ago. A year ago my heart hurt for the kids that God would place with us. Because of the ages we chose, our kids were out there....and as their future 'momma', I ached for the pain they were experiencing. I stood, worshipped, and wept. I felt empty and like I was not taking care of my babies that I didn't even know.
This year, my heart was full. All my babies were happy, healthy, and safe. I soaked up every smile and hug from that day. I was so happy, I was so complete, I lived in the moment. And then the moment came when I realized....my completence came at the expense of another mother, the biological mother of three of my kids. My prayers of thanksgiving are her prayers of distress and longing.
I hurt for her. I pray for her. I wish she would give us a tiny inkling that she was willing to fight for her kids. However, today marks two months of missed visits. I would love to help her heal like I am trying to help her children. However, I need something from her.....I need her to take a step in the right direction. I am afraid I need to much from her. And if I need to much.....her children need even more. I have written her a letter in my head numerous times. At least when she was in prison, I had a way to get her these letters. Now, they just fill my head with exciting moments and milestones her children achieve.
In the attempt to make more room in my head, I am putting my latest thoughts to screen and typing them here.
Dear Bio Mom;
Hey :) I'm never quite sure how to start these letters. Mere formalities do not seem enough, but more intimate greetings seem to much. I want to first say 'thank you'. Thank you for choosing life when you could have chose to end your pregnancies. Thank you for caring and delivering these three precious angels I care for now. Thank you for providing them the best that you could for their first years of life.
Your children are thriving. BB loves school, church, and inventing new things with what he find around the house. He is very creative and is an amazing artist. He has come so far in handling all of the grownup feelings that have been put in his little head. He is working hard at healing and getting used to a new life.
LB has such a great sense of humor. He loves to laugh and be silly. He remembers everything you say, and loves to remind you when you forget. He has the cutest little smile that makes his eyes disappear and these little dimples appear. His hair is getting redder, and he struggles most with making sense of his world and the things around him.
LS is a mess :) She is talking up a storm and is working hard at potty training. She loves all things Minnie Mouse, hair bows, and fresh fruit. She eats anything and everything with no questions asked. I worry about her the most. I worry about her forgetting you all together. She is so young, and all these missed visits and missed opportunities to work on bonding with you aren't good. She won't know who you are and recognize that you love her.
Please know that I tell you this, not to rub it in your face that they are with me and not with you. but I hope and pray that maybe something that you read or I say will give you the strength and encouragement to try. To try and make it. To try and say no to the temptations that separate you and your children.
I will continue to love them, I will continue to care for them, and we will continue to pray for you. They love you. They don't now why, but they do.
May God be with you and protect you.
