I don't even know how to begin this. I try very hard not to sink, to keep my head up, to keep dry eyes, to not show weakness. I've perfected smiling and nodding 'just fine' when asked how things are going. However, hidden behind my screen and keys, I have to admit that our wagon is stuck in the muck of a low valley.
We still have the kids, so please don't panic that we have lost them. However, our bubbly Little Brother is really struggling. And when he struggles, it is in a BIG way. I can only speculate and imagine what is going on in his head and what has triggered our recent struggles. In his own little words and what I can imagine tells me he is scared. He is scared that his way of life now is not always going to be, and that the pain and chaos of the past will once again haunt his future.
Do your kids ever look at you with those questioning eyes, those longing looks, and you instinctively tell them 'it'll be okay, it's alright, I'll take care of you'? Our kids depend on us. It is the way God created them to long to be in a family. To search our faces and our eyes for security and promise. Can you imagine for a moment, how incredibly scary it would be if you couldn't promise them the future? If you couldn't pull them on your lap and tell them that you would be there forever?
My heart is in a million pieces because I can't promise to give LB that security and promise of my presence forever. That promise is not mine to make. Oh I want to. Do I ever! I want to hold them all and tell them that I will be their Mama Bear forever, and that I will protect them from everyone and everything that tries to hurt them. I will always make sure they have their favorite snack, and to not cook things that have chunks of tomatoes because I know they don't like that. I will always make sure their socks are the kind that fit loose around the toes because tight toes drives LB nuts. I want to promise that, more than I want my next breath, I want to promise them that. They are only little children and they should have someone that can promise that to them.
However, it also would not be fair of me to make such promises, when I might have to break them. Because people that don't know them, that sit and make rules and laws might break my promises. So we are stuck in the 'life isn't fair and the system stinks' valley.
I'm trying hard to weave a rope. I rope that we can pull ourselves out with. A rope of hope and of assurance. You see, I may not be there forever, however God has placed these kids in my house for 'such a time as this'. I cannot promise them MY presence, but I can promise them HIS. I can tell them everyday that they have a Heavenly Father that will never leave or forsake them. They have a God that knows how many hairs are on their heads and He will always be on their side. He is not confined to walls or a zip code and He will go with them. I can team them boldly about satan and his lies and his tricks. I can teach them with confidence to call on the name of the Lord for He is their strength and shield. Those lessons will hopefully trump tight socks or chunks of tomato.
Right now this rope is thin, but I keep weaving. It is tattered and fragile, but I will keep weaving. It will be a hard and treacherous journey back to the top, but we will pull and climb together. And when we reach the top, we will be champions. We will have fought this battle and ended victorious.
So we ask for your prayers. We ask for prayers of peace over our little freckled face goober. We ask for prayers that this process can come to an end in God's timing and for us to be okay with that timing. We ask that God provide wisdom and understanding in how to deal with struggles and little broken hearts. May His love pour from Papa and I and may the kids know and grow in understanding of His purposes for their lives.
"May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14
"The LORD is my light and salvation-whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice!" Philippians 4:4
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with ope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9
"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:34
"With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18:29
