Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from the crazy and unseasonably warm south.  Little Sister keeps asking where the snow is and I have to agree.
Our crew had an absolutely amazing Christmas.  Starting with Christmas parties, an awesome Christmas Eve service at our church, and a Christmas morning filled with happy smiles. I LOVE Christmas morning.  I love to see the smiles, hear the giggles, and feel the hugs.  That is something our kids are really good at.  From new jammies to tablets, the kids were so thankful.  Big Brother even shed some tears exclaiming this was the best Christmas ever.
This is our second Christmas as a family of 6 and it is feeling so right.  Birth parents and families of origin hardly come up anymore.  This is their life right now and they are settling in.  Little Brother is getting used to his new meds and we are establishing a great routine with him which is helping with his behavior.  They are part of our family.  Little Sister keeps saying 'I love my flamily!'
I read something the other day on the juvenile courts webpage when I was trying to locate the panel review calendar.  It says "If the Panels are operating effectively, no child should be expected to grow up in foster care."  I would have to argue that there isn't much of the juvenile court system that is doing their job.  Our three kids ARE growing up in foster care.  While we pray we are getting close to the end, they (the kids) continue to grow and bond with us and their life here and there is still a possibility that they will leave.  They (the court) are still looking into other family members, one of which has never even met LS.  To me, keep in mind that I'm ONLY the foster mom, that seems to not be a good idea to remove them from a healthy bonded family to someone they don't even know!!
Recently, more and more people have been asking me about foster care and becoming foster parents. I have gotten the chance to share some of our journey.   I have grown more spiritual during this than I even thought possible.  But honestly, you HAVE to give it all to God.  You seriously have no control and our only comfort comes in knowing that God does and that our journey serves His bigger purpose.
As we look to the coming of a new year, we continue to pray that 2016 will be the year we can make this permanent and the kids will be Allens officially. :) We continue to pray for all foster children and the people God is leading into foster care.  It is a mission field, and you need to prepare your hearts to be changed forever.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming....

Sometimes I envy Dori.  You know, the spunky little bluefish from Nemo?  Her general demeanor was one of peace and joy.  She lived moment to moment and there was nothing holding her back.  There are times I think living like that would be freeing.  You wouldn't have the bad memories, you wouldn't have anxiety because you wouldn't have any concern for what could be in the future.  You literally have a clean slate.
However, the down side to 'Dori syndrome' is that you have to through out the good with the bad.  So, even though you wouldn't have bad memories, you also wouldn't have any good ones.  So, like most philosophies we have to pick and choose what we take from it.  I think from Dori, we need to remember 'just keep swimming'.  That's what we are doing....we are just continuing to swim.
Recently I have had a few people ask me about foster care and becoming a foster parent.  I want to shake their hand and say "come ask me again in about a week or two, now is not a good time".  However, I also feel it is important to be honest.  You don't want anyone doing this for the wrong reason or while wearing their rose colored glasses.  So, I smile and say "I live my life paying and dealing with the consequences of someone else's actions and these consequences come in fits and rage from tiny little people."  As wrong as that sounds....it's the truth.  I have done nothing to harm theses children, but yet I am the one that gets to suffer through the trauma with them.
This past week our family went through something that I pray no one ever has to go through.  We are okay, everyone is okay, it was just a very trying circumstance.  In the big picture, I believe it will be a good thing.  It did shed some light on something from the kid's past we did not know about.  I'm glad we know now, but at the same time I wish I could forget it.  I wish they could forget it.  I wish like Dori, we could smile and 'just keep swimming'.
During this Christmas season, we are reminded of the birth of Jesus, God coming to earth as a baby.    He was 'adopted'.  Jesus had a foster father.  Joseph cared for and raised Jesus as his flesh and blood, even though He was so much more.  Jesus came to this earth to suffer consequences for actions he did not comment.  His focus, His vision, was something heavenly.  It was a God sized mission and a God size plan.  Jesus had to keep His focus on the 'bigger picture' and reason for why He came to earth.
I have to do that sometimes.  Okay....I have to do that a lot.  I have to remember and keep my eyes on the 'big picture'.  If I focus and let my eyes drift to every little problem, I drown.  If I stress every little stroke or wave that comes, I drown.  God's kingdom is the end.  Filling His kingdom with believers to worship along side is the goal.
God has a plan for my kids.  He has a plan for Tater and He has a plan for BB, LB, and LS.  His plan is mighty and His plan is big.  What we go through now is just a stepping stone, a building block, on our way to His destination for us.
So...keep swimming.  Even when the water is rocky, cold, and you feel alone.  Keep swimming.  Know that somewhere out there we are swimming too.  There are others swimming with us.  We might not see them or know they are there, but they are.  So...keep swimming. :)

"If you find yourself with a desire that no experience in this world can satisfy, then the most probable explanation is that you were made for another world."   C.S. Lewis

Exodus 15:3 "The LORD is a warrior; the LORD is his name."

Isaiah 42:13 "The LORD will march out like a champion, like a warrior he will stir up his zeal; with a shout he will raise the battle cry and will triumph over his enemies."

In the valley.....

I don't even know how to begin this.  I try very hard not to sink, to keep my head up, to keep dry eyes, to not show weakness.  I've perfected smiling and nodding 'just fine' when asked how things are going.  However, hidden behind my screen and keys, I have to admit that our wagon is stuck in the muck of a low valley.
We still have the kids, so please don't panic that we have lost them.  However, our bubbly Little Brother is really struggling.  And when he struggles, it is in a BIG way.  I can only speculate and imagine what is going on in his head and what has triggered our recent struggles.  In his own little words and what I can imagine tells me he is scared.  He is scared that his way of life now is not always going to be, and that the pain and chaos of the past will once again haunt his future.
Do your kids ever look at you with those questioning eyes, those longing looks, and you instinctively tell them 'it'll be okay, it's alright, I'll take care of you'?  Our kids depend on us.  It is the way God created them to long to be in a family.  To search our faces and our eyes for security and promise.  Can you imagine for a moment, how incredibly scary it would be if you couldn't promise them the future?  If you couldn't pull them on your lap and tell them that you would be there forever?
My heart is in a million pieces because I can't promise to give LB that security and promise of my presence forever.  That promise is not mine to make. Oh I want to. Do I ever! I want to hold them all and tell them that I will be their Mama Bear forever, and that I will protect them from everyone and everything that tries to hurt them.  I will always make sure they have their favorite snack, and to not cook things that have chunks of tomatoes because I know they don't like that.  I will always make sure their socks are the kind that fit loose around the toes because tight toes drives LB nuts. I want to promise that, more than I want my next breath, I want to promise them that.  They are only little children and they should have someone that can promise that to them.
However, it also would not be fair of me to make such promises, when I might have to break them. Because people that don't know them, that sit and make rules and laws might break my promises.  So we are stuck in the 'life isn't fair and the system stinks' valley.
I'm trying hard to weave a rope.  I rope that we can pull ourselves out with.  A rope of hope and of assurance.  You see, I may not be there forever, however God has placed these kids in my house for 'such a time as this'.  I cannot promise them MY presence, but I can promise them HIS.  I can tell them everyday that they have a Heavenly Father that will never leave or forsake them.  They have a God that knows how many hairs are on their heads and He will always be on their side.  He is not confined to walls or a zip code and He will go with them.  I can team them boldly about satan and his lies and his tricks.  I can teach them with confidence to call on the name of the Lord for He is their strength and shield.  Those lessons will hopefully trump tight socks or chunks of tomato.
Right now this rope is thin, but I keep weaving.  It is tattered and fragile, but I will keep weaving.  It will be a hard and treacherous journey back to the top, but we will pull and climb together.  And when we reach the top, we will be champions.  We will have fought this battle and ended victorious.
So we ask for your prayers.  We ask for prayers of peace over our little freckled face goober.  We ask for prayers that this process can come to an end in God's timing and for us to be okay with that timing.  We ask that God provide wisdom and understanding in how to deal with struggles and little broken hearts.  May His love pour from Papa and I and may the kids know and grow in understanding of His purposes for their lives.

"May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14

"The LORD is my light and salvation-whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice!" Philippians 4:4

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with ope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:34

"With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18:29

Man....it's been a long time...

So I had this crazy vision of how in control and peaceful my summer was going to be.  I was going to work on school stuff, blog regularly, read...you know... all the peaceful calm 'no work' stuff.  HA! Well, I am sure you can guess by my absence on the blog-a-sphere that no of that happened. Instead we played, swam, got dirty, laughed, cried, and just enjoyed ourselves.
Now we are already deep into another school year and coming upon our 1 year anniversary of becoming a family of 5. (The brothers came on September 12th, and LS on October 1st.)  All kiddos are doing great a loving school. Tater is getting excellent grades and flipping her way through her gymnastic season.  BB (Big Brother) is doing great in kindergarten.  He is working so hard and trying his best to please his teacher.  LB (Little Brother) is such a little leader and is working hard as well.  They have both made such amazing progress in a year....sometimes I just stand back in awe.  LS (Little Sister) is working hard at potty training.  She absolutely LOVES her teacher at daycare and soaks up everything she says.
I am working on putting everything in God's hands and trusting His timing.  We still have not heard from bio parents.  So, we are waiting on a TPR (termination of parental rights) court date.  DFCS is looking into two possible relatives that are 'willing' to take the kids.  Let me just tell you how much that bothers me.  I don't want someone who is just 'willing'.  They deserve to be raised by people who would jump at the chance to have them in their lives.
However, instead of dwelling on that and worrying about the shoe dropping....I am trusting.  God's got this.  His timing is perfect.  If it be His Will that these are kids are ours forever, then it will happen in His time.
I am reminded of the story of Abraham.  God asked him to do the hardest thing....be willing to sacrifice his son.  God knew He was going to work it out, but He wanted Abraham to trust.  This process has been my 'son on the alter' test.  God already knows how it will end and He is just asking me to put these kiddos in His hands.

Psalm 33:4-6

4 For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. 

5 The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love. 

6 By the word of the LORD were the heavens made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth.

 

Packing up the baggage.......

In three days this crew loads up and heads off to the beach. Having the need to organize everything...I started packing us up early this week.  Papa has loaded the big box on top of the family wagon, and we are gearing up to hit the road.
Tater, Papa, and I have GREAT memories of going to the beach.  We've been going to the same beach for years.  In fact, Papa and I both went to this beach as kids before we even knew each other.  So, we have been happily talking, packing, and preparing to go to the beach.
Then we started noticing some things.  LS was even more clingy than normal. She would absolutely scream if I left the room.  BB actually broke out in a rash that his therapist said was a stress rash.  BB would also end each night by telling us 'don't leave me, please don't leave me'. And well, LB's fits became more intense, frequent, and harder to predict.  What was going on? I mean we were excited. Vacations are exciting. We were going to the beach! Oh wait..........
Rewind to a year ago.  Our kiddos were  on another trip to the beach.  Although with different parents, and the result was not so fun and exciting. Much more sad and scary. Last time they were going to the beach they were left and then taken from the life they knew.  Our memories and their memories of going to the beach are very different.
This called for a family meeting. We explained and talked about the trip down there, looked at pictures of where we were staying, counted to make sure everyone has a bed, and looked through the bags and suitcases Momma had packed making sure everyone has clothes and underwear.  Then we made a paper chain to count down the days until we leave.  And every night, we go through with  LS who all is going to the beach.....'Papa beach, Momma beach, Tater beach, BB beach, LB beach, LS beach?' Yes....Papa beach, Momma beach, Tater beach, BB beach, LB beach, LS beach.

This has made me very aware that we all come with our own baggage. Some of our bags are full of happy memories, legacies, and fun times with family and friends. However, some bags are full of sadness, hurt, and abandonment packed for us by the very people who should have protected us from all of that. Papa and I are trying to repack the bags of our kiddos. This is not an easy task, but as we remove each hurt we try to replace it with a new reassurance that they are loved. We love them, and even more importantly, God loves them. And hopefully next week, we will repack that beach bag with some smiles, laughs, and great time spent with family.

Count your blessings...name them one by one...

With summer break in full swing, I had this list of things I wanted to accomplish. I was going to work on school stuff with BB, work on calming and self regulation techniques with LB, read and work on multiplication with Tater, and just love the dickens out of LS.
Then Thursday happened.......
Thursday was a horrible day. And when I say horrible....I mean far beyond bad and deep, deep into horrible. I guess I tend to blog, share, and post about the positive things about fostering....and well my family in general, but Thursday took the cake and the positive momentarily away.
Thursday all patience went out the window, all smiles were scowls, and all the giggles turned to cries, screams and attitude. There was nothing glorious or wonderful about their behavior or mine on Thursday. On Thursday, I doubted my effectiveness as a foster mom....and well, mom in general.
However, when the dust settled....and Papa came home to help, hugs were given, prayers we lifted up, and apologies were made, we moved forward. Keep moving forward.
So, in the shadow of Thursday, I am soaking in some more recent blessings and rays of hope. You see, LS excepts her life with us with open arms. She doesn't know anything different, and the void she did have, we filled and all is good.  However, BB and LB have gone from a life of doing whatever they wanted, to structure and guidelines to how life is done. To a four, and now six year old little boy, that can seem unfair. I often wonder if they would want to be adopted by us if it came to that.
But sometimes, I get a glimpse of twinkle, a moment of clarity in their little minds that says 'yes...they love me, yes....they want what's best for me, and yes....I could love them back.'

BB- Friday, after an amazing family fun day, I was running BB's bath. When I asked him to do the 'toe test', I realized the water was too hot. I told him to wait just a second while I ran some colder water and mixed it with my own hand. BB asked me if the water was too hot to my hand. I told him it was hot, but this is what mommies do. He smiled at me and said 'you are the best mommy I've ever had.' Count your blessings, name them one by one.....
LB- Friday night, when I was sitting with LB while he went to sleep, he reached out and grabbed my hand. Then with his freckled nose and blue eyes, he said 'thank you for being my mommy'. Count your blessings, see what God has done....
LS- Today, Saturday, LS and I went to run some errands together. While in the van, she kept saying 'mommy' and I say 'yes??' To which she would reply 'mommy' and I would once again say 'yes??' This little game continued for a few minutes as I caught glimpses of her little grin in the rear view mirror. We play this game often. She likes to make sure that I'm still her 'mommy' and that I am still near. Count your blessings, name them one by one....
Tater- Tater girl recently came into possession of a prayer journal in a sibling trade with BB for a snowman notepad. The other day, she wanted to know if I wanted to know what was in her journal. Of course I did. She read to me her list of request, her petitions she was bringing before her Heavenly Father. Then she read to me her lists of things she was thankful for. While there were things covered like her favorite toys, a house, food, and her family in general.....the one that stuck out was this: 'Thank you God for leading my mom and dad and me into foster care. Thank you for letting me see you change my brothers and sister and changing me.'
Count your blessings, see what GOD HAS DONE.

Mother's Day

Time fies.  I've never really agreed with that.  I guess because patience IS NOT my strong suit, I am always looking for what is next and pushing through the moment.  Well now, time is flying and I am trying my best to grab hold  as my life is quickly spiraling past me.   Partially spiraling in a nice and orderly slinky with a beginning and an end, and partially spiraling out of control in a mammoth twister.
Mother's Day was another example of how quickly everything is moving. I stood in church and can remember every single feeling and tear that I had a year ago.  A year ago my heart hurt for the kids that God would place with us. Because of the ages we chose, our kids were out there....and as their future 'momma', I ached for the pain they were experiencing.  I stood, worshipped, and wept.  I felt empty and like I was not taking care of my babies that I didn't even know.
This year, my heart was full.  All my babies  were happy, healthy, and safe.  I soaked up every smile and hug from that day.  I was so happy, I was so complete, I lived in the moment.  And then the moment came when I realized....my completence came at the expense of another  mother, the biological mother of three of my kids.  My prayers of thanksgiving are her prayers of distress and longing.
I hurt for her.  I pray for her.  I wish she would give us a tiny inkling that she was willing to fight for her kids.  However, today marks two months of missed visits.  I would love to help her heal like I am trying to help her children.  However, I need something from her.....I need her to take a step in the right direction.  I am afraid I need to much from her.  And if I need to much.....her children need even more.  I have written her a letter in my head numerous times.  At least when she was  in prison, I had a way to get her these letters.  Now, they just fill my head with exciting moments and milestones her children achieve.
In the attempt to make more room in my head, I am putting my latest thoughts to screen and typing them here.
Dear Bio Mom;
Hey :) I'm never quite sure how to start these letters.  Mere formalities do not seem enough, but more intimate greetings seem to much.  I want to first say 'thank you'. Thank you for choosing life when you could have chose to end your pregnancies.  Thank you for caring and delivering these three precious angels I care for now.  Thank you for providing  them the best that you could for their first years of life.
Your children are thriving.  BB loves school, church, and inventing new things with what he find around the house.  He is very creative and is an amazing artist.  He has come so far in handling all of the grownup feelings that have been put in his little head.  He is working hard at healing and getting used to a new life.
LB has such a great sense of humor.  He loves to laugh and be silly.  He remembers everything you say, and loves to remind you when you forget. He has the cutest little smile that makes his eyes disappear and these little dimples appear.  His hair is getting redder, and he struggles most with making sense of his world and the things around him.
LS is a mess :)  She is talking up a storm and is working hard at potty training.  She loves all things Minnie Mouse, hair bows, and fresh fruit.  She eats  anything and everything with no questions asked. I worry about her the most.  I worry about her forgetting you all together.  She is so young, and all these missed visits and missed opportunities to work on bonding with you aren't good.  She won't know who you are and recognize that you love her.
Please know that I tell you this, not to rub it in your face that they are with me and not with you.  but I hope and pray that maybe something that you read or I say will give you the strength and encouragement to try.  To try and make it.  To try and say no to the temptations that separate you and your children.
I will continue to love them, I will continue to care for them, and we will continue to pray for you.  They love you.  They don't now why, but they do.
May God be with you and protect you.

The most important job....

As if my previous ramblings have not clued you in, I am going to go ahead and tell you that I am one of THOSE people. One of those people that run a million miles a minute. One of those people that are always busy.  I make to do list about making a to do list.  If I complete something that was not on my to do list, I will add it just so I can check it off.  I love to  run errands. I love to travel. I love to be gone and to go and to do.
Papa is a home body. He likes to be home and could stay in the same fleece pants and hoodie for days and not go crazy.
When we married, we definitely did more of the going and traveling then being home bodies. We took weekend trips whenever we could and had regular nights out. When Tater came along, we just put her in our pockets and took her everywhere with us.  We planned weekend trips around area zoos and educational attractions.
People often ask me, "what was it like going from one to four?" Honestly the extra clothes, laundry, toys, food, etc we kinda planned for.  We saw that as part of the cute little packages.  However, being 'grounded' and stuck at home was something I did not foresee nor did I foresee it bothering me so.
You would think this would not be a big deal.  It would seem that the way Papa and I are wired, we would be the perfect match.  He would stay home with the  kids and I would be free to run all the errands I need.  Well, our three little additions have other plans.
It amazes me how much they need MY attention.  I don't see myself as being overly nurturing as empathy is not generally one of my spiritual gifts.  However, they are so void of 'the mommy factor', that even I will do.
That proves to me how grand our job as mothers is. And at this we do not need to pit working mother against stay at home mother.  For no matter what your situation, choice, or calling is....YOU ARE THE MOMMA!
I wish I could teach a sex ed course to young women. It would be a lot less about the biology of the matter and their sexuality and a lot more about the emotional and nurturing responsibilities that they will have to a child.  I think I would start like this 'they aren't going to be like a puppy you know, you can't just feed them, bathe them, and clean up their poop.' You have to put down your phone and look at them. You have to talk to them and teach them about things and how to be the person God has for them to be.
So I wrap this post up being completely humbled by the fact that my job as mommy is so important, and amazed that God has given me four gifts and four chances to share His message of love and redemption to the world through my children.

Funny kiddo moment of the week:
On Saturday, I attended a baby shower for a friend from church.  Upon leaving the house BB and LB were very interested in who the presents were for.  I explained that I was going to a baby shower and the gifts were for the new baby.  Both boys seemed to except that answer.  However, later when I returned, they seemed confused as to where the presents went.  I told them I gave them to Ms. T for her baby.  BB asked if I got to see the baby and watch them give the baby a shower.  I explained that the baby was still in Ms. T`s tummy so I did not see the baby and a baby shower is a party for a momma that is going to have a baby.  At this point, LB's eyes were open wide. "Mommy! If the baby is still in Ms. T's belly, how did you get the presents in there too?"  I love his innocence and I loved hearing Tater patiently explain to him how baby showers and the whole system works. :)

Mama Bear meets the Ragamuffin Gospel

Happy and chilly February evening to you all :) I have to admit that I hate that life and the very things I like to blog about take me away from blogging.  However, if life didn't happen, then what would I blog about??

Well, tonight's thoughts were provoked by our sermon series and specifically the sermon from Sunday.  While traveling through Galations, we have been diving into how simple and passionate the Gospel is.  "Jesus + nothing = everything and Jesus + anything = nothing" has been the coined phrase.

Sunday we looked at those that were in bondage based on their sin, and then became enslaved by the idea that they needed to add something to the Gospel in order to follow Christ.  We celebrated the freedom we have in Christ and that through that freedom we live our lives to the fullest.

It got  me thinking about the kids biological parents.  Bio dad is living back in the state from which they came, and bio mom is set to get out of prison in early March.  While that date looms ever nearer, my heart and my head become very confused.  We are approaching the time when we will be faced with consistent visitation with bio mom (and dad if he comes back here).  Part of me is so overwhelmed with the idea of having the kids forever, and part of me is so scared that I won't have them forever.  

I had the vision Sunday during worship of bio mom worshiping along side of us.  So far I have focused on the kids.  However, now my attention is turned to their mother....who let's face it, I am not.  Growing God's kingdom is much bigger than us 'adding allens', so reaching mom and changing her life should come to the forefront of my 'to do list'. 

How does one do that?  How does one show the living Gospel to someone who hurt little people you have come to love? And let's throw in that her changing will then take those little people away from me.  The Mama Bear in me wants to somehow put something scandalous in her purse so she gets in trouble so I keep my...I mean her....babies.  The Mama Bear in me wants to tell her that she screwed up the most important job she will ever have in a major way and doesn't deserve a second chance.

One problem....this Mama Bear is merely a ragamuffin who has great freedom in Christ.  I long and desire for others to know the freedom I have and to likewise be free from what enslaves them.  I have no experience with the type of chains that bio mom and dad are tangled up in. That part of the world is very foreign to me.  But chains are chains and no matter what they are, their purpose is the same...to confine us and keep us from experiencing freedom.  

So blogger world know that I am struggling with this.  I want nothing more than to pack these babies up and be in Mexico before March.  However, our purpose in this is far beyond what we are capable of.  Please join us in praying for bio mom and for March.  Pray for the kids and how they will take seeing her after eight months.  Pray for Papa and I as we prepare for the possibilities and that these possibilities may be stretched out over time and require more devotion to the greater purpose than we feel we can muster.  

As always, may God be glorified in what we do.  This week, when you get a chance....read through Galations.  It is the story of freedom in Christ both from sin that enslaves us and the additives we like to throw on top of our faith.