To my boys.....

Dear Big Brother and Little Brother,

I remember this day, two years ago, so clearly.  Like I've told you a million times....
Papa, Tator and I decided we wanted more children.  So we prayed for God to bring us the right ones.  The ones He picked out for our family.  We spend months talking and dreaming about what you would be like.  How old you would be, what color your hair or eyes would be. 
Two years ago, Papa and I took today off work.  We met a friend from church to pick up little boy toys and some clothes.  We spent the day getting ready for you.  Just like the months before Tator was born, we cleaned and made beds and washed toys.  This was all in preparation for you!
We picked up Tator from school a little early so she could watch for you with us.  We went in your room and prayed over both beds.  We prayed and thanked God for you and asked God to help us be everything you needed and to help us show you His love.
Then we went to the living room windows and peered through the blinds.  I am sure if the neighbors saw us, they thought we were crazy.  But we didn't care.  We watched and watched.  Finally, Mrs. N's car pulled in the driveway.
I don't have any memories of your first steps, or how you looked the day you were born.  But I will always remember you stepping out of that car.  Each of you had a little plastic bag in your hands that held all your earthly possessions.  BB got out with a heavy winter coat on, even though is was a hot September day.  I remember thinking that you both looked so small.
I don't have any memories of your very first words.  I don't know if they were 'mama' or maybe 'dada'. But the first words you said to me were 'hi' and then BB asked if he could take a bath.  Tator was so excited to show you to your room.
I don't have any memories of you looking up at me while feeding, or those first glances in the hospital room.  But I do remember how big and curious your eyes were on this day.  LB's eyes darted from thing to thing, toy to toy, room to room.  BB was more cautious, and took us in with wise eyes.  You seemed to study our faces and our movements so carefully. I remember how Tator giggled chasing you both from activity to activity.
We didn't know that day if we were going to be able to keep you forever, or just a short time.  But in those first little moments, you became 'my boys', my sons.  Whether you left the next day, or months from then, or never....two years ago today, you became mine and I became yours.
Happy 2 year anniversary boys :) Mommy loves you!

(I have not forgotten Little Sister :) Her day is October 1st.)

I admit it......

So, I admit it....I am a HORRIBLE BLOGGER!  I have always loved to write, have always done well with creative writing projects and the like, so naturally I thought in this age of technology, I'd be an awesome blogger.  Nope.  All day long thoughts go through my head.  Amazing, witty, and sometimes enlightened thoughts.  But the practicality of sitting down and typing them out, actually slowing them down so that I can process them into key strokes, is often the most daunting task.

I also expected there to be more to report on this journey.  Almost two years in, I thought we would be on our second or third placement.  I thought court and visitations would have come and gone several times over.  I thought by now we would have this crazy extended ministry family of birth parents, foster kids, and a community that has grown together through interesting circumstances.  Yet, the truth is, we are still on our first placement.  We have not been able to form a relationship of ministry with birth parents, and I don't know that we are any closer to adoption then when we started.

I am a fast paced person.  Once I start something, I chew it up and spit it out.  I have read three books in the past two weeks.  If I begin a book, you can bet it will be finished quickly.  Not because I am a fast reader, but because I DESPISE having unfinished stuff out there.  If moving or returning from a trip, I unpack immediately.  Ask Papa.  If we start a project...it will be finished shortly after it has begun.  So, you can imagine my anxiety over something that has drug on for almost two years with no movement in either direction.

Now, wait.  That's not fair.  There has been movement.  Movement that far surpasses court papers and name changes.  Our kids have moved.  They have moved beyond fear and hunger, to the peace and fullness of family.  They are learning who they are and all the amazing things they are capable of.  They are learning trust and relational bonds that outside of foster care, would have been most certainly impossible.  They are learning they are loved.

Believe it or not, that last one is pretty tricky.  Our kids are not easy kids.  Many kids from trauma are not your typical, fun loving kids.  Kiddos who have experienced trauma are often impulsive, loud, profane, violent, disrespectful, and impatient little people.  But who can blame them?  People, big grown up adult people, have let them down time and time again.  In their short little lives they have learned not to trust, that they have no voice, and that this world is every man for themselves.

So, while they are pretty stinkin' cute, they are not always the easiest to love.  Foster parenting can be lonely sometimes.  You have these little souls in your care, and you have built a relationship of trust with them because this is your calling.  You have chosen this, gone to training about the possibilities, prepared yourself for what trauma may be entering your life.  However, to take those little souls to school, church, or extra curricular activities....you are bringing their baggage to people who didn't necessarily sign up for that big of a load.

Relationships.  Big or small, relationships matter.  How we treat one another matters.  We do not know the life or path someone else has walked.  Some people are really great actors, and they aren't the ones you watch on TV.  Things may look good not the outside, but inside they are crumbling.
***WARNING: you are approaching a soapbox.....I repeat, soapbox approaching!!***
I really think in this technologically advanced world, we have forgotten how to relate to actual humans.  You know the face to face kind of discussions, where you smile at one another and make eye contact, or you hide your tear filled eyes and they place a hand on your shoulder??  I believe people no longer know how to handle one another and our emotions without a cute little yellow 'emoticon'.  I mean think about it, they have developed a way to convey emotions when using a type based media.

I am grateful beyond words for the people that are willing to form relationships with my wacky kiddos.  Those people that look beyond the wild, loud, and messy little person and see a heart longing to know they are loved.  They missed that you know.  Those first few days, months, years when parents and family cooed at them, fought over who got to hold them next.  Those early days when the world revolved around them, THEIR needs, and they learned what a precious treasure they are.

I was reminded of this verse from 1 Peter this summer.  Actually, reminded DAILY at our church's VBX (what the cool kids call Vacation Bible School).
"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." (2:9)
I want my kiddos to know that they are not only precious to me and Papa, to their teachers, coaches, Sunday school leaders, but they are precious to God.  They are HIS special possession.  They are not 'a child of trauma' but they are 'a child of God'.

Maybe that's why I am a horrible blogger.  Maybe I'd do better if we all got together weekly at a coffee shop to talk and chat.

Creepy shadows in the darkness...

Well...our day has come and gone.  Our TPR (termination of parental rights) hearing was supposed to be last week.  I have had that date on my calendar since November.  I requested to be off that day from work back in November.  However, the day came and went with no change in our situation.  That is both good and frustrating.  It is always good when you leave court and the kiddos are still in your care...but frustrating because terminating the biological parental rights is a HUGE step in the direction of adoption.
**Side Bar** Many people have begun asking me about foster care and adoption.  Foster care should NEVER EVER EVER be seen as a way to adopt.  Yes, there are times that it ends in adoption...but that road is long and hard and heart breaking at times.  I think foster parents that are willing to adopt are ideal because then IF the children become in need of a permanent adoptive home, they don't have to move again. Foster care is usually a temporary thing.  With that said...I do not support placing children with a family member based on DNA alone. But....that's another story for another day. **Side Bar concluded**
In our case, adoption is the best option for these kiddos.  Now, it is proving that to the courts.  Our TPR was re-scheduled because of missing paperwork on the part of DFCS.  NOW THAT IS FRUSTRATING!! Again...focus on the positive...the kids are still with us....the kids are still with us.  So, on the downhill slope of that disappointing news comes a rough week, both at work and with behaviors at home, and a week full of soccer games stealing our daddy away.
With all of this comes a natural feeling of defeat.  'I just can't anymore.'  Where is my hole so I can just climb in and burry myself in self pity??  How easy it is to sink into that darkness and let the enemy's voice creep in and whisper his lies.  I HATE that darkness...I HATE his voice...I HATE that feeling of defeat.
So last night, in deep prayer and thought, I realized the answer is so easy. What do you do when it is dark? YOU TURN ON THE LIGHT!!! Duh!! I don't have to sit in darkness, I don't have to listen to his voice or feel defeated.  Because in the LIGHT...I am victorious and I WILL OVERCOME!
I am notorious for trying to short cut chores or try to get something down in one step rather than two. A few examples: I will always break my arms rather than taking multiple trips with the groceries. I also have HORRIFIC eye sight...I mean blind as blind can be without my glasses or contacts.  In the mornings I will hold my phone mere centimeters from my face to read my morning devo instead of just putting my glasses on.
Why do we do things like that? (Assuming of course that some of you out there do it too.) Why do we watch something we don't want to watch instead of getting up to get the remote control? Why do we choose to snack on LOTS of snacks instead of preparing food? Why do we have to take that time to sulk in our self pity, in our own darkness, before we turn on the LIGHT?
For those of you who haven't caught on...the LIGHT is Jesus.  We just celebrated the glorious death and resurrection of this Savior this past weekend.  It is through HIM and HIM alone we can be complete and fill the void that overcomes us in the dark places of our lives.
I wish you all could meet my kids.  Bio and foster, and four legged for that matter.  I am blessed beyond measure to get to see God's handy work on a daily basis.  I get to see lives changed through the love and power of the Holy Spirit.  That makes those dark times worth it.  To be reminded that it is not I, but Christ in me and through me that can and WILL make the difference.
No....I alone am not strong enough.  I alone am not smart enough.  I alone am not good enough.  The task ahead of me...and ahead of all of us is far to great for human hands.  But praise be to the Heavenly Father who can help us to conquer it all!!
So, once again, I look up from my dark place and see the Mighty Hand of my Savior reaching down saying, 'oh daughter of Mine...why do you insist on putting yourself there?  Come, sit with Me. I already have a plan....I already know what will come. Just come sit with Me.'  I decided this time, I am not crawling my way out (I had an earlier blog post about that).  Nope.  He is lifting me out and up into the light of a bright new day.  A day full of promise and hope.  And faith.  Yes, faith that He will see me through.  
Funny highlights from the mouths of babes that bring a smile to my face:
LS: wakes up crying last night...I go to check on her. Me - baby what do you need? Why are you crying? LS - "I need a hug from you!"  and she throws her arms around me and squeezes tight. :)
LB: while playing 'family' in his room, yells downstairs "Mommy, I want you to meet my family...(comes plopping down the stairs...arms full of stuffed animals) Fluttershy is my wife, Sully and Mike are my sons, and Yoda is my foster son."  I love that he has a foster son in his role playing...and that it is Yoda :)
BB: when asked what his favorite part of Easter was "My family.  I love any time I can spend with my family."
Tater: "Mom, the dog ball accidentally went over the fence and into the trees.  Can I hop over the fence and get it?"  Me - "No honey, you cannot 'hop' over the 6 ft privacy fence to get the ball"  The things you have to say 'no' to when your child is a gymnast and probably COULD 'hop' over the fence and be just fine.
See...I have no time for those dark places...there is to much brightness in my life. :)

Walking on Water

I love teaching at a Christian School and teaching in kid's ministry at church.  I love being about to tell and retell Bible stories that I grew up hearing.  Many of my students also attend church, so sometimes they are hearing the same Bible story over and over.  I always tell them that overtime they hear it, God has something new to teach them....or it might be the same message, but what they need to hear at that time.  Pretty cool how God talks to us in that way.
God speaks to me in these ways as well.  Even though I've taught that story or lesson, He is constantly reaching out His mighty hand and giving me nuggets of His love that I need right then and there.
Last month at church, we were teaching 3 year olds about the amazing things only God can do.  Once again I found myself teaching the Bible story about Peter and Jesus calling him out onto the water.  While in church we were stress the amazingness of our Savior, when I've taught that lesson at school, we have focused on where Peter's focus is.  While his eyes remain locked on Jesus, he stays above the water, but as soon as he takes His eyes off and starts to worry about the waves crashing around him, he begins to sink.
"So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:29-31
I know this story, probably have heard it a million times.  Then why do I forget?  Why do I forget to keep my eyes on Him and not focus on the chaos that surrounds me...the things out of my control? Peter asked Jesus to call him out of the boat, but when things got shaky...he doubted His ability to save him.
I am so Peter.  I don't like it, but I am.  I give my life over to Him.  I ask Him to call me into service, He does and I accept.  So why do I look around and get nervous?  Why, once things get shaky, do I question?  My favorite worship song right now is Oceans by Hillsong.  It is the cry of my heart.  Well, if it is...then I shouldn't be surprised to experience waves, wind, and torrential forces.  
                                              "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

It dawned on me when I was singing at the top of my lungs int he car that this song was talking about Peter.  I mean, I haven't researched it...but it has to be.  The only thing I would change is where it says 'where feet MAY fail'.  I think we need to acknowledge that our feet are GOING TO FAIL.  We WILL mess up.  However, with our eyes focused on Jesus, we too will walk on the water.   

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from the crazy and unseasonably warm south.  Little Sister keeps asking where the snow is and I have to agree.
Our crew had an absolutely amazing Christmas.  Starting with Christmas parties, an awesome Christmas Eve service at our church, and a Christmas morning filled with happy smiles. I LOVE Christmas morning.  I love to see the smiles, hear the giggles, and feel the hugs.  That is something our kids are really good at.  From new jammies to tablets, the kids were so thankful.  Big Brother even shed some tears exclaiming this was the best Christmas ever.
This is our second Christmas as a family of 6 and it is feeling so right.  Birth parents and families of origin hardly come up anymore.  This is their life right now and they are settling in.  Little Brother is getting used to his new meds and we are establishing a great routine with him which is helping with his behavior.  They are part of our family.  Little Sister keeps saying 'I love my flamily!'
I read something the other day on the juvenile courts webpage when I was trying to locate the panel review calendar.  It says "If the Panels are operating effectively, no child should be expected to grow up in foster care."  I would have to argue that there isn't much of the juvenile court system that is doing their job.  Our three kids ARE growing up in foster care.  While we pray we are getting close to the end, they (the kids) continue to grow and bond with us and their life here and there is still a possibility that they will leave.  They (the court) are still looking into other family members, one of which has never even met LS.  To me, keep in mind that I'm ONLY the foster mom, that seems to not be a good idea to remove them from a healthy bonded family to someone they don't even know!!
Recently, more and more people have been asking me about foster care and becoming foster parents. I have gotten the chance to share some of our journey.   I have grown more spiritual during this than I even thought possible.  But honestly, you HAVE to give it all to God.  You seriously have no control and our only comfort comes in knowing that God does and that our journey serves His bigger purpose.
As we look to the coming of a new year, we continue to pray that 2016 will be the year we can make this permanent and the kids will be Allens officially. :) We continue to pray for all foster children and the people God is leading into foster care.  It is a mission field, and you need to prepare your hearts to be changed forever.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming....

Sometimes I envy Dori.  You know, the spunky little bluefish from Nemo?  Her general demeanor was one of peace and joy.  She lived moment to moment and there was nothing holding her back.  There are times I think living like that would be freeing.  You wouldn't have the bad memories, you wouldn't have anxiety because you wouldn't have any concern for what could be in the future.  You literally have a clean slate.
However, the down side to 'Dori syndrome' is that you have to through out the good with the bad.  So, even though you wouldn't have bad memories, you also wouldn't have any good ones.  So, like most philosophies we have to pick and choose what we take from it.  I think from Dori, we need to remember 'just keep swimming'.  That's what we are doing....we are just continuing to swim.
Recently I have had a few people ask me about foster care and becoming a foster parent.  I want to shake their hand and say "come ask me again in about a week or two, now is not a good time".  However, I also feel it is important to be honest.  You don't want anyone doing this for the wrong reason or while wearing their rose colored glasses.  So, I smile and say "I live my life paying and dealing with the consequences of someone else's actions and these consequences come in fits and rage from tiny little people."  As wrong as that sounds....it's the truth.  I have done nothing to harm theses children, but yet I am the one that gets to suffer through the trauma with them.
This past week our family went through something that I pray no one ever has to go through.  We are okay, everyone is okay, it was just a very trying circumstance.  In the big picture, I believe it will be a good thing.  It did shed some light on something from the kid's past we did not know about.  I'm glad we know now, but at the same time I wish I could forget it.  I wish they could forget it.  I wish like Dori, we could smile and 'just keep swimming'.
During this Christmas season, we are reminded of the birth of Jesus, God coming to earth as a baby.    He was 'adopted'.  Jesus had a foster father.  Joseph cared for and raised Jesus as his flesh and blood, even though He was so much more.  Jesus came to this earth to suffer consequences for actions he did not comment.  His focus, His vision, was something heavenly.  It was a God sized mission and a God size plan.  Jesus had to keep His focus on the 'bigger picture' and reason for why He came to earth.
I have to do that sometimes.  Okay....I have to do that a lot.  I have to remember and keep my eyes on the 'big picture'.  If I focus and let my eyes drift to every little problem, I drown.  If I stress every little stroke or wave that comes, I drown.  God's kingdom is the end.  Filling His kingdom with believers to worship along side is the goal.
God has a plan for my kids.  He has a plan for Tater and He has a plan for BB, LB, and LS.  His plan is mighty and His plan is big.  What we go through now is just a stepping stone, a building block, on our way to His destination for us.
So...keep swimming.  Even when the water is rocky, cold, and you feel alone.  Keep swimming.  Know that somewhere out there we are swimming too.  There are others swimming with us.  We might not see them or know they are there, but they are.  So...keep swimming. :)

"If you find yourself with a desire that no experience in this world can satisfy, then the most probable explanation is that you were made for another world."   C.S. Lewis

Exodus 15:3 "The LORD is a warrior; the LORD is his name."

Isaiah 42:13 "The LORD will march out like a champion, like a warrior he will stir up his zeal; with a shout he will raise the battle cry and will triumph over his enemies."

In the valley.....

I don't even know how to begin this.  I try very hard not to sink, to keep my head up, to keep dry eyes, to not show weakness.  I've perfected smiling and nodding 'just fine' when asked how things are going.  However, hidden behind my screen and keys, I have to admit that our wagon is stuck in the muck of a low valley.
We still have the kids, so please don't panic that we have lost them.  However, our bubbly Little Brother is really struggling.  And when he struggles, it is in a BIG way.  I can only speculate and imagine what is going on in his head and what has triggered our recent struggles.  In his own little words and what I can imagine tells me he is scared.  He is scared that his way of life now is not always going to be, and that the pain and chaos of the past will once again haunt his future.
Do your kids ever look at you with those questioning eyes, those longing looks, and you instinctively tell them 'it'll be okay, it's alright, I'll take care of you'?  Our kids depend on us.  It is the way God created them to long to be in a family.  To search our faces and our eyes for security and promise.  Can you imagine for a moment, how incredibly scary it would be if you couldn't promise them the future?  If you couldn't pull them on your lap and tell them that you would be there forever?
My heart is in a million pieces because I can't promise to give LB that security and promise of my presence forever.  That promise is not mine to make. Oh I want to. Do I ever! I want to hold them all and tell them that I will be their Mama Bear forever, and that I will protect them from everyone and everything that tries to hurt them.  I will always make sure they have their favorite snack, and to not cook things that have chunks of tomatoes because I know they don't like that.  I will always make sure their socks are the kind that fit loose around the toes because tight toes drives LB nuts. I want to promise that, more than I want my next breath, I want to promise them that.  They are only little children and they should have someone that can promise that to them.
However, it also would not be fair of me to make such promises, when I might have to break them. Because people that don't know them, that sit and make rules and laws might break my promises.  So we are stuck in the 'life isn't fair and the system stinks' valley.
I'm trying hard to weave a rope.  I rope that we can pull ourselves out with.  A rope of hope and of assurance.  You see, I may not be there forever, however God has placed these kids in my house for 'such a time as this'.  I cannot promise them MY presence, but I can promise them HIS.  I can tell them everyday that they have a Heavenly Father that will never leave or forsake them.  They have a God that knows how many hairs are on their heads and He will always be on their side.  He is not confined to walls or a zip code and He will go with them.  I can team them boldly about satan and his lies and his tricks.  I can teach them with confidence to call on the name of the Lord for He is their strength and shield.  Those lessons will hopefully trump tight socks or chunks of tomato.
Right now this rope is thin, but I keep weaving.  It is tattered and fragile, but I will keep weaving.  It will be a hard and treacherous journey back to the top, but we will pull and climb together.  And when we reach the top, we will be champions.  We will have fought this battle and ended victorious.
So we ask for your prayers.  We ask for prayers of peace over our little freckled face goober.  We ask for prayers that this process can come to an end in God's timing and for us to be okay with that timing.  We ask that God provide wisdom and understanding in how to deal with struggles and little broken hearts.  May His love pour from Papa and I and may the kids know and grow in understanding of His purposes for their lives.

"May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14

"The LORD is my light and salvation-whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice!" Philippians 4:4

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with ope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:34

"With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18:29